Pointless things Russia should say in Hetalia
by Ankhasia Riddle
Summary: Basically what it says on the tin. One thing per chapter.
1. Rollerblades

Russia picked up the phone, typed in some numbers, and put it to his ear, and waited while the ringing tone sounded.

He heard the other person pick it up.

Leaning out of his window, he shouted down the phone line.

"Hey America! I can see Alaska from here!"

Somewhere in America, a handsome blonde man with glasses put a rather expensive phone down on the table in front of him, and facepalmed.

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><p><strong>Review please.<strong>

**...but you know where flames go.**


	2. Ass back home

Russia leant back in from the window.

Sat down, thinking.

_Hmmmm…_

Then he picked the phone up again, typed some more numbers in to it, and waited for the person to pick up.

Tapped his fingers on the desk.

Then they picked up.

"Hey Poland!" he shouted. Unnecessarily, since Poland is not deaf. As far as we know.

"Yes?" Was the reply.

"Man up."

Russia then hung up.

Somewhere in Poland, a very pretty woman-wait, man, slammed a phone down on the receiver, and glared.

And then plotted all the ways he would destroy the Russian Federation. If it wasn't for the fact he would fail every time. Miserably.

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><p><strong>...I could not resist.<strong>

**Review!**

**...once again, you know where flames go, don't you?**


	3. Innocence

Russia sat, bored.

And glared, slightly angrily. Well, it wouldn't make sense if he glared slightly happily would it?

…anyway. He glared.

Then picked up the phone.

And put it down again.

Then his face lit up (not literally. That would be painful…) and he picked it up again.

Typed some illegible numbers in.

_Ring ring._

_Ring ri-_

"Hey France? I've had better."

He hung up, fast, laughing.

His laughing echoes throughout his massive house, causing the Baltics downstairs to start shivering in fear.

And somewhere in France, a blonde man puts down a phone, and puts his head in his hands, depressed.

Very depressed.

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><p><strong>Review da?<strong>

**...no prizes for guessing where flames go.**


	4. Off to the races

**Firstly, i would like do this...**

**Thanks to...**

**FallingStar17, MeiMeiaru8, Lilypad the Fourth, Startled Boris, shadowraven45662, Raven Yuki-Slifer Queen, Oniongrass for reviewing!**

**Diddle10, Ellenthefox, LilyRosetheDreamer, Miyui-Chan, Raven Yuki-Slifer Queen, ThatPurplyThing for favouriting!**

**and...AnalogDemyx57, Diddle10(again!), Dragon with two hearts, Ellenthefox(again!), Lilypad the Fourth(again!), Miyui-Chan(again!), shadowraven45662(again!), and Startled Boris(again!) for alerting!**

**I have never done that before...XD**

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><p>Russia stopped laughing. Abruptly<p>

Then he types a couple of words that are illegible to the reader and sends them to a mysterious number. Mysterious...

And chuckles.

Then gets out Vodka.

Looks at it.

"You my friend," he says, "Are why I still refuse to fully partition Poland. He made you first, I just improved your flavour."

Then he drinks it and smashes the bottle over his own head and falls asleep. (he is a loud snorer)

Somewhere in France, a man gets a text.

He reads it and smiles, no longer suicidal. Just a little concerned for his own safety.

It says this.

_Hey there Frenchy. Just kiddin', u were better than them. Including the Amerikan._

_Russ :P_

_P.s Please give back the nuclear weapons that I know you took from Poland._

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><p><strong>He. Hehe. Hehehehehehehehe...<strong>

**Thanks again for the awesommers for showing that you actually read this XD**

**...Review?**

**...Flames, will be used, to stoke your funeral pyre. For those who didn't know already.**


	5. Paradise

**Hey again dudes XD Thanks to MeiMeiaru8 for this one...XD**

**Thanks to...**

**FallingStar17, MeiMeiaru8, Lilypad the Fourth, Startled Boris, shadowraven45662, Raven Yuki-Slifer Queen, Oniongrass for reviewing!**

**Diddle10, Ellenthefox, LilyRosetheDreamer, Miyui-Chan, Raven Yuki-Slifer Queen, ThatPurplyThing for favouriting!**

**and...AnalogDemyx57, Diddle10(again!), Dragon with two hearts, Ellenthefox(again!), Lilypad the Fourth(again!), Miyui-Chan(again!), shadowraven45662(again!), and Startled Boris(again!) for alerting!**

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><p>Russia woke up with a start.<p>

It was night.

Spooky…

His eyes widened as he had an idea.

He walked out of his house.

Made a call.

Came back in.

Hung up.

Waited for about five minutes.

Tick tock tick tock…

Then he picked up his phone again and made a call.

Somewhere in China…

China picked up the phone and sighed as he realised who the caller was.

He answered.

"Yes Russia?"

"_Lean out of your window…"_

Reluctantly, and a little creeped out, China leans out of his window.

"_Can you see me?"_

"Uh…n-"

"_I'm watching you…"_

China then starts looking round franticly, wind whipping his black hair everywhere.

He sees something.

Just in the distance.

He squints…

A Pand-

Wait. Russia hijacked a Panda of his once…

Somewhere in Moscow, a large man wearing a scarf (amongst other things…) laughs a deep laugh as a scream of terror echoes down his mobile phone.

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><p><strong>You know where flames go...<strong>

**But reviews get prizes XD**


	6. Rehab

**Thanks to...**

**FallingStar17, MeiMeiaru8, Lilypad the Fourth, Startled Boris, shadowraven45662, Raven Yuki-Slifer Queen, Oniongrass for reviewing!**

**Diddle10, Ellenthefox, LilyRosetheDreamer, Miyui-Chan, Raven Yuki-Slifer Queen, ThatPurplyThing for favouriting!**

**and...AnalogDemyx57, Diddle10(again!), Dragon with two hearts, Ellenthefox(again!), Lilypad the Fourth(again!), Miyui-Chan(again!), shadowraven45662(again!), and Startled Boris(again!) for alerting!**

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><p>Russia abruptly stopped laughing.<p>

He then got out his phone(once again, stupid use of language. If he got in his phone, well, it would be awkward to say in the least.) and typed in some numbers that were frustratingly illegible to the reader.

Had a mysterious conversation with someone.

Which consisted of this.

"Da?"

"Da."

"Nyet. I want item number 3104"

"Da."

"Da."

"Spasiba. Send it to code E."

"Nyet, E, not B."

"Are you deaf?"

"E for elephant."

"E."

"I sa-"

"Spasiba."

"What!"

"E."

"In the name of-"

"E!"

"Da."

"Spasiba."

"Do Svedaniya"

He then sits down, shuckles to himself.

And falls asleep.

Somewhere, next morning, an Englishman gets a small parcel.

He opens it, and stares.

Slowly, he read the message.

Then, he walks out of the room.

Comes back in with a machine gun and shoots the parcel and message into pulp.

Do you want to know what the message was?

From Russia, with love.

Doesn't explain much, does it?

I bet you want to know what the parcel was don't you?

I cant hear you.

Still can-

Fine.

Well then.

It was…

A pair of eyebrow tweezers.

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><p><strong>BWAHAHAHA! I couldn't not do this...<strong>

**Flames...you know where they go...**


	7. Bad Girls

**This was good...XD I had fun here.**

**Thanks to...**

**FallingStar17, MeiMeiaru8, Lilypad the Fourth, Startled Boris, shadowraven45662, Raven Yuki-Slifer Queen, Oniongrass, vatican city, Roshia-chanLovesYou, Hetalia-Russia(Wooh!), Lani Carmine, KoHachiProductions, Diddle10, Happily Austria, Nyapoop14(nice name), SchwarzeFeuer, Momoka64 for reviewing!**

**Diddle10, Ellenthefox, LilyRosetheDreamer, Miyui-Chan, Raven Yuki-Slifer Queen, ThatPurplyThing, SuFin, Nyapoop14, Momoka64, Maiya123, LightningIzzy, Lani Carmine, intricate-bindings, Ai-Kitsuneko Yuurei, 101Icestormxx for favouriting!**

**and...AnalogDemyx57, Diddle10, Dragon with two hearts, Ellenthefox, Lilypad the Fourth, Miyui-Chan, shadowraven45662 and Startled Boris, Aurora rose1001, CelestialNinja, Happily Austria, JoyHeart, KoHachiProductions, Maiya123, MintBlue, Nyapoop14, PaperDream, SchwarzeFeuer, SuFin for alerting!**

**Seriously guys, you are all awesome!**

**I have something to announce at the bottom...XD**

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><p>Russia woke up.<p>

It was MORNING! Woah…loud…

He stretched, and yawned.

Went downstairs.

Humming to himself…

Got himself some toast. With butter on.

The Baltics froze in his awesome presence, and attempted to hide.

They were ignored.

Then he ate the toast (c'mon, what else is he gonna do, use it as loo roll? Now THAT would be awkward…)

Then his face lit up with inspiration. He swaggered (like a BOSS) past the Baltics, and patted them each on the head once.

Patpatpat…

So then he went upstairs(now THAT is daft. Is he gonna go uplift?) and got out his phone.

Typed some numbers that the readers could not see into his phone.

And pressed the ring button.

_Ring ring…_

_Ring ring…_

_Ri-_

"_Germany speaking?"_

"Privyet comrade-i-kins!"

"_Russia?"_

"Da! It is I!"

"_Why are you calling me?"_

"I just wanted to tell you…

"_Ja…?"_

"Italy has made friends with England."

There was a very awkward silence.

"…_WHAT! THAT-"_

I should point out the next few sentences involve naughty words that little children should not discover, so I will replace them with other words that I thought were better.

"_THAT KEYBOARDING WINDOW! I SWEAR I'M GOING TO BOOKING GOOGLE HIS CROWN! HE HAS COMPLETELY BETRAYED ME! WHEN I GET ME HANDS ON THAT ICE-CREAM CONE I WILL SHOVE MY SHINY CARROT UP HIS SCRAWNY LITTLE FRYING PAN! THAT IS-"_

There was then a very loud smashing sound.

Russia chuckled.

Then a door banging was heard, and Russia burst (not literally. Man that would be messy) into hysterics, and fell, laughing, onto his chair.

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><p><strong>Haha. That was fun.<strong>

**Well, I have to say this...I am now officially One With Mother Russia! HAPPY FACE!**

**Review?**

**...flames...you know what happens...**

**If you wanna know about chapter names, it's simply just the name of the song I was listening to when I wrote it.**


	8. Burn It Down

Russia had sat for a while now….ideas where just not coming. *snorts*

…Sorry. Dodgy thoughts…

Then, his eyes widened, and his face was alight with glee! (not the flippin' TV program..)

He skipped off, made a phone call in which it was so secret that even the writer couldn't hear it.

Then he waltzed (with the flowers) back upstairs. The Baltics looked…worried.

The Baltics always look worried.

Then he picked up his mobile phone (imagine trying to pick something down…) and called someone.

_Ring ring_

_Ring ring_

_Ri-_

"_Bonjour? Russia I will return those nuclea-"_

"Don't worry my friend!"

"…_Russia, why are you calling?"_

"England said to say he wants to marry you! He's waiting in his room…and to also say if he seems hesitant or resistant it is just his role-playing…"

The phone was hung up.

Russia gets out his laptop, turns it on and switches to a program involving a camera in a certain Englishman's room…

A woman carrying a frying pan walks in, gets a chair, and joins him.

They giggle, for a very long time.

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><p><strong>Hahahaha...certainly leaves alot to the imagination, that one. Acknowlegements will come next chapter XD<strong>

**Flames...**

**Review?**


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